


The Uncanny Feeling

by bertie



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: M/M, Vancouver Canucks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-29
Updated: 2013-12-29
Packaged: 2018-01-06 13:39:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1107513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertie/pseuds/bertie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan is funny, gorgeous, a senior, and he lives down the hall from Kevin. He hears him all the time, a distinctive Michigan accent muffled by his door, and wishes he was brave enough to go out there and talk to him. But too many people have rejected him and Ryan is probably straight anyway.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Uncanny Feeling

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ice_hot_13](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ice_hot_13/gifts).



Ryan is funny, gorgeous, a senior, and he lives down the hall from Kevin. He hears him all the time, a distinctive Michigan accent muffled by his door, and wishes he was brave enough to go out there and talk to him. But too many people have rejected him and Ryan is probably straight anyway.

“You’ve been closed up in here for days, Kevin. Why don’t you come to lunch with us?” Alex says one day as he buttons up his coat.

Alex’s boyfriend Max is lounging on his bed, and Kevin thinks he’s relatively handsome, but Ryan is more this type. He’s tall and strong and has a beard similar to that of a lumberjack and Kevin is loath to admit that it makes him hot under the collar.

“I’m not hungry,” he lies, opening a new tab on his laptop.

“Come on,” Alex insists, closing Kevin’s laptop on his fingers. “You need to eat and you need to get out of this room.”

Kevin will later deny that he was bullied into clean clothes and his coat and shoved out the door before he even had his boots on, but he did enjoy eating a warm meal in the cafeteria instead of ramen noodles while hidden under a pile of blankets. Everything goes fine and dandy until Ryan shows up. He claps Alex on the back and they talk animatedly until Ryan looks up and meets Kevin’s eyes. Kevin knows his face turns scarlet, feels the heat spread down to his neck, and he curls his fingers into the cuff of his sweatshirt.

“Who’s this?” Ryan asks Alex, looking down at him and then back up at Kevin through his long, dark lashes.

Kevin nearly has a heart attack right there, feels something warm pool low in his belly, and Ryan smiles at him.

“This is my roommate, Kevin,” Alex introduces him, wipes his mouth with his napkin. “Kevin, this is Ryan. He plays on the hockey team with me.”

For a moment, Kevin is bitter. He had tried out for the school’s ice hockey team before transferring but he’d been passed over on the excuse that he was “too slow” for their division. But then Ryan is taking a seat next to Kevin and smiling at him and he can’t remember why he felt cold.

“It’s nothing special and it’s not important. What’s your major?” Ryan asks, his arm across the back of Kevin’s chair.

“Uhhm—it’s uh finance,” Kevin replies finally, wishes the blush would stop spreading across his nose.

But still Ryan smiles and leans in a little closer, and Kevin’s heart beat picks up impossibly fast. He wants to close the distance between them and kiss Ryan, but Alex and Maxim are there and Ryan probably isn’t interested in him at all.

He thinks about Ryan for the rest of the day, imagines how soft his lips are compared to the rough scratch of his beard and wonders how his arms would feel wrapped around his waist.

…

It’s almost a week before he gets the courage to venture out into the hall when he hears Ryan. He’s talking into his cellphone, cheeks pink from the cold, and his hair windswept. Before he can stop himself, Kevin smiles at him as he passes and Ryan winks back at him with a grin. He watches Ryan as he continues down the hall to his room, hoping that he’ll look back, and he does. Ryan holds up five fingers and winks again, and Kevin wonders if he could somehow get over his crippling anxiety in the next five minutes.

He leaves the door open just slightly and dives onto his bed, screaming excitedly into his pillow. He doesn’t stop smiling as he hurriedly shoves things into more respectable places and smooths out his comforter. When there’s a knock, he jumps and almost chickens out. He can’t make himself tell Ryan to come in, just stands in the middle of his room making a sort of fish-like face. But then the door is pushed open and Ryan smiles at him around it.

“Hey, how’ve you been?” He asks, shutting the door behind him.

Kevin’s stomach turns into knotty butterflies and he wrings his fingers in front of him. “Um, I’ve been okay.”

“Good, that’s great. Can I?” Ryan motions toward Kevin’s desk chair.

Kevin nods, can’t seem to relax. He climbs up onto his bed and sits there cross-legged. He answers Ryan amiable questions with quiet, curt responses and he knows deep down that he’s pushing him away.

“What do you like to do?” Ryan asks, sitting back in the chair.

He crosses his arms and legs and a crease forms between his eyebrows, lips set in a firm line, and Kevin wants to cry.

“Not much. Mostly homework, a little bit of blogging, and some…uhh—nevermind.”

Ryan nods and stands, pushes Kevin’s chair back under the desk. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” Kevin says, doesn’t even look up when Ryan leaves.

He crawls up to his pillows and yanks the covers over himself as the first tears come. He presses his face into his pillow and tries his best not to sob too loud.

…

Kevin avoids Ryan for the rest of the month and he sulks for most of Thanksgiving break. A chance for something great and delightful was ruined so quickly and it was Kevin’s fault. It’s not until early December that he comes back from class to find Ryan sitting in his desk chair and Alex standing beside his bed.

“Did I miss a memo or something? Should I leave?” Kevin asks, already feels his stomach grow heavy and his muscles tense.

“ _Non,_ come in,” Alex says, motioning him in.

He doesn’t sound happy and Kevin dreads dealing with Alex when he’s angry. But he doesn’t glare at Kevin when he sets his bag down beside his desk. He’s glaring at Ryan, who looks embarrassed and chastised.

“What’s going on?” Kevin gets a water bottle out of his mini-fridge and cracks the lid to pierce the silence.

“Ryan has something to say to you,” Alex says simply, retreats to his side of the room to his desk.

Kevin regards Ryan warily, but he’s jiggling his leg and his brown eyes look nervous. Ryan takes a deep breath and stands up, and Kevin tries not to draw away from him.

“Do you want to sit?” Ryan asks him.

Kevin nods and lets Ryan step out of the way. He doesn’t expect Ryan to kneel down once he sits, but he gets down on Kevin’s level and takes one of his hands. Kevin glances over at Alex, who is smiling and shaking his head fondly.

“Kev,” Ryan says to get his attention, and Kevin looks down at him. “I treated you horribly, and I apologize for that because you don’t deserve it. I didn’t understand why you were pushing me away until Alex cornered me after we came back from break and told me. I don’t want to be the cause of your anxiety because you’re too handsome to be nervous.”

He feels his cheeks get warm and he brings one shoulder up shyly. “I have a hard time opening up to people. It took me almost a year to trust Alex and he’s still my only friend.”

Ryan squeezes Kevin’s hand, smiles up at him. “You can take as long as you like to open up to me. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

Kevin grins, the knots in his stomach turning to butterflies when Ryan stands and leans down to kiss him on the cheek.

“Maybe I could take you out tomorrow night?” Ryan links their fingers together and Kevin almost whimpers happily.

“I’d like that,” Kevin says, still grinning.

“I left my number on your desk, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

As the door shuts, Kevin leaps up onto his bed and screams joyously into his pillow. He hears Alex laugh and come over to sit on his bed with him.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” he says, hugging Alex tight around the shoulders.

It’s he first time he has ever really touched Alex in the two and a half years they’ve roomed together, but Alex hugs him back enthusiastically.

“You’re welcome, Kevin. You deserve to be happy,” Alex tells him. “Plus, Ryan really likes you and he was upset when he thought you were rejecting him. I just had to explain everything to him. If he ever hurts you again, tell me because I am very willing to beat the shit out of him.”

Kevin laughs out loud and leans into Alex’s side. “I can’t thank you enough.”

“You don’t need to thank me, but you could go get some dinner with me and Max to show your appreciation.”

Kevin has never moved so quickly to change clothes in order to go out, but the way Alex grins at him like he’s so proud makes him eager to leave.

…

Alex is out when Ryan comes by to pick Kevin up. He’s ready, wearing his favorite shirt and jeans and boots, but he can’t get off his bed. Ryan knocks lightly, and Kevin hopes he tries the doorknob. After a moment, the door opens and Ryan peeks in.

“Hey,” he says brightly, grinning at him, and Kevin’s heart sinks. “Are you ready to go?”

Kevin can’t look up at Ryan, wrings his fingers in his lap and chews on his lip so maybe he won’t cry. But as he thinks about how he failed to get up and leave with Ryan he breaks down. He sniffles and wipes his eyes with the cuff of his sweatshirt and tries to struggle when Ryan pulls him into his arms.

“Shhh, shhh—it’s okay,” he hears Ryan murmur, melts against his chest because he’s so tired of fighting.

He feels as if his heart is breaking from no one’s fault but his own and he holds tight to Ryan’s shirt, cries quietly even though it’s worse that way. But the way Ryan strokes his back and shifts him so he’s sitting across his lap makes Kevin feel more in control of himself.

He sniffles again, loud and wet and embarrassing, but Ryan’s lips are against his forehead and he’s speaking low and soft.

“You’re okay, sweetheart, I’m here,” Ryan is saying, leaving kisses on Kevin’s forehead and temples. “I’ll stay with you as long as you need.”

Kevin doesn’t say anything, just rests his head on Ryan’s chest and tries to calm his breathing. He’s glad when Ryan doesn’t ask any questions, just holds him and keeps rubbing his back.

“I was going to ask you if you wanted to stay in, but I wasn’t sure if I should,” Ryan finally says, but his tone is quiet and nonjudgmental and Kevin feels _accepted._ “Do you want to watch a movie?”

He nods and tries to swallow down a residual sob, but it comes out anyway and Ryan hushes him all soft and sweet and it makes Kevin relax. He trembles when he climbs down, afraid Ryan will try to usher him out the door, but Ryan doesn’t and he sits there as Kevin rifles through his closet. He can’t say anything when he holds out a pair of sweatpants to Ryan, just sniffles and feels another onslaught of tears coming. Ryan takes them gently, lays them beside him on the mattress, and scoots forward to reach for Kevin.

Kevin goes willingly into his arms, buries his face in Ryan’s chest, and sobs. He feels Ryan smooth his hair, leaving little kisses on the top of his head, and he holds tight to Ryan’s shirt. He hears Ryan whisper, “It’s okay, Kevin, it’s okay, you’re okay,” and he tries to believe him.

After a moment, he slips away and rubs his face with his sleeve. He changes into a pair of sweatpants without thinking about Ryan being in his room. He unplugs his laptop and grabs his basket of DVDs, turns off the overhead light and flicks on his lamp. Ryan is stretched out with his back against the wall in the borrowed sweats and he sits forward to take the basket. Kevin crawls up onto the bed and settles between Ryan and the other wall.

“Let’s watch…” Ryan flips through the cases and pulls one out. “ _The Polar Express_.”

Kevin bites his lip and smiles just slightly because it’s one of his favorite Christmas movies and no one else seems to like it. He takes the DVD as Ryan sets the basket on the floor. There’s some not-so-awkward shifting around until they’re propped up with all of Kevin’s pillows and Kevin’s head is resting on Ryan’s shoulder. Being cuddled and held so close is much nicer than Kevin thought and he can’t help but melt into Ryan’s side. He balances his laptop on their legs, presses play, and pretends he doesn’t feel Ryan kiss his forehead.

He barely makes it to the hot chocolate scene on the train before he’s dozing with his head lying over onto Ryan’s chest. When he wakes again, the laptop is discarded to the floor and Ryan is asleep next to him, arms around him protectively. The lamp is turned off and he hears the familiar wheeze of Alex’s breathing because he sleeps with his face mushed into his pillow. Kevin can’t help the cold fear that shoots through him when Ryan shifts to stroke his hair.

“Are you okay?” He whispers, lips finding Kevin’s hairline to leave four little kisses there.

 “Yeah,” Kevin answers, breathless and content for the first time in a while.

“Go back to sleep, baby.” Ryan’s voice is tired and it makes Kevin loose and warm all over.

He obeys, to the rhythm of Ryan’s heartbeat under his ear and Ryan’s rough fingertips running up and down his spine. The second time he wakes up it’s morning and Ryan is sitting up in bed, talking quietly with Alex, who is eating a bowl of cereal in his bed. He wishes he could pretend to be asleep to listen to their conversation, but he has to pee and he doesn’t want to hear if Ryan hated sleeping with him. Ryan smiles at him, saccharine sweet and entrancingly handsome, kisses his hand when he catches it before Kevin can slip away.

It’s a pleasant surprise when he returns and Ryan is still there, writing something in one of Kevin’s notebooks. He hides it when Kevin shuts the door, grins sheepishly, and opens his arms for him. Kevin only hesitates for a second, pointedly does not chew his fingernails or wring his hands, and then he climbs up into Ryan’s lap.

“Is this okay?” Ryan asks him, and that alone makes his eyes wet. “Please always tell me the truth.”

“A little looser,” Kevin says, feels like he can relax and breathe when Ryan does as he asked. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Ryan whispers to him, kissing his temple lightly. “Is it okay that I kiss you so much?”

Kevin nods. “I like it and—it helps.”

He feels Ryan smile against his cheek and kind of wants to go back to sleep in his arms.

“Do you have class today?” Kevin asks, tries to make it coy and sweet so maybe Ryan will stay with him.

Pitching his voice to persuade someone is foreign to him and he’s sure he screwed it up until Ryan nuzzles his nose against Kevin’s temple.

“I don’t plan on going to any of them,” Ryan nearly purrs, and Kevin feels his insides go all gooey and warm.

Kevin is more than glad that Alex says nothing about the fact that Ryan is holding him and murmuring sickeningly sweet things to him. By the time Alex is dressed and getting ready to leave for class, Ryan has pulled them both down so Kevin is lying cradled in his arms again.

“Should I turn off the light?” Alex asks them, standing at the door with a fond smile on his face.

“Yes, please,” Ryan calls even though the room is small enough that he could speak at a normal level.

Alex just laughs and flicks the light switch as he leaves. Light leaks through the curtains enough that it gives a soft illumination to part of the bedroom but Kevin feels sleep tug at the edge of his mind.

“Can I kiss you?” Ryan asks, quiet in the dark.

The thought makes Kevin nervous and excited, but not exactly a good kind of nervous and excited. So he says, “Not yet.”

“Just let me know.” Ryan kisses him on the forehead and the warmth of his breath on his face makes Kevin drowsy.

…

“You haven’t even kissed him yet?”

Kevin flinches but can’t draw back from the cracked door. Ryan’s in the hallway with one of his hockey buddies and he was going to pop out to see him until the conversation turned sour.

“We’re…taking it slow,” Ryan says, and Kevin can imagine the way he pulls his shoulders up defensively.

“Bullshit,” the other guy spits. “You’re getting some elsewhere, aren’t you?”

There are no more words, just the muted crunch of a fist making contact and a muffled string of profanity. Kevin retreats to his bed and curls up with his favorite blanket, waits to see if Ryan will come to him. It takes a moment, more cursing and a little yelling, but then the door opens and Ryan has a damp towel wrapped around his hand.

“Did you hear that?” he asks as he shuts the door.

Kevin nods and looks away until Ryan climbs up to sit beside him, wraps his unhurt arm around his waist.

“I’m sorry.” He nuzzles against Kevin’s cheek. “I’m so sorry you had to hear that.”

Kevin can’t say anything, just curls into Ryan’s side and holds his hands out for his injured hand. He unwraps the towel carefully to find scraped, bruising knuckles. So he slides down from his bed and plops down to rummage underneath his bed for his first aid kit. He puts ointment on Ryan’s knuckles and wraps them with gauze until there’s a decent padding and tucks the end into Ryan’s palm.

Ryan cups his cheeks in his hands and kisses the curve of his nose. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Kevin says, voice low and nearly a whisper.

Just like always, Kevin nestles between Ryan and the wall and curls his fingers into his t-shirt. He doesn’t ask or bring it up because he’s still so nervous. Ryan strokes Kevin’s hair, as if he knows he’s upset, and it makes Kevin’s heart stop racing and he can breathe again.

“Are you okay?” Ryan asks him, fingers threading through Kevin’s hair and making him sleepy.

He looks up at Ryan, who is curled protectively around him, and something relaxes in his chest. He gives him a tiny smile, closes his eyes when Ryan kisses him above the curve of his eyebrow, and nods. He smiles a little wider when Ryan nuzzles against his face, arm fixed tightly around his waist.

“I’m happy because you’re happy,” Ryan says, so soft and sweet it makes Kevin ache. “You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for. Just let me know when.”

Kevin opens his eyes and grins at Ryan, those brown eyes making him warm all over. He leans in and leaves a quick kiss on the corner of Ryan’s mouth, buries his face against Ryan’s chest after. He feels the reverberations of Ryan’s laugh, enjoys the hug he gets and the kiss to the top of his head.

…

Kevin is immensely grateful for Ryan’s patience. He comes to get Kevin and more often than not sits on his bed with him until he can move. He never complains and he never yells and he offers comfort when he thinks Kevin needs it. If Kevin can’t leave that time, Ryan shrugs it off and kisses his cheek and suggests something else. He leaves to get takeout and every time he comes back he sits the food down, and Kevin meets him halfway and hugs him until he can breathe again. They sit on Kevin’s bed and eat off plastic plates and watch Netflix on Kevin’s laptop. Sometimes Ryan brings a board game or a deck of cards and he teaches Kevin how to play gin rummy.

Sometimes Kevin can leave when Ryan comes to pick him up. He’ll meet Ryan at the door and they’ll trade chaste kisses before Ryan takes Kevin’s coat to help him into it. Ryan takes him to quiet restaurants and to see movies so he can hold his hand in the dark and know Kevin is comfortable.

More often than not, Ryan sits on the floor with Kevin while he cries, holding him close but not tight so he doesn’t feel so alone.

Alex finds them one evening curled up together under the fleece blanket Kevin made, Ryan wiping Kevin’s face as he trembles uncontrollably. Kevin looks at him, pleading with him to take the pain away, and Alex comes over.

“Hey, _petit chou_ , do you need anything?” Alex asks him, using that nickname Kevin still doesn’t know the translation of.

Kevin sniffs and tries to say _a drink, I need a drink_ but he chokes on a sob and he sees Alex’s face crumble.

“Oh, _cher,_ I’m so sorry you’re hurting.”

Alex understands. He knows it hurts, and that makes Kevin shiver and reach for him. Ryan lets him go, strokes a hand down his back as Alex takes him into his arms.

“It’s okay,” Alex says, holding him around the chest as Kevin tucks his face against his shoulder. “Oh, darling, it’s alright. We’re here with you.”

Kevin sinks back down into Ryan’s lap, breaths shaking him to the core, and Ryan is so gentle when he rubs his back. He leans heavily on Ryan’s chest, exhausted from crying. He swallows thickly and lets Ryan wrap him back up in the blanket.

“Let me get him a drink,” Alex says, and Kevin smiles through his tears.

Having his best friend and his boyfriend there, sitting on either side of him and offering a place to hide, makes this episode less terrifying than any other. He isn’t alone and he’s surrounded by love and that’s all he ever needed.


End file.
